It's been a bit of a hard Christmas thus far well above and beyond my (relatively minor in the whole scheme of things) gift issues. My sweetie was laid off yesterday and, while I suppose this doesn't have a huge immediate effect on me, since we don't live anywhere close to each other, it's put a bit of a damper on the whole thing. I'm a worrier, and I find myself...well...worrying. He syas he's okay with savings for a bit, and his mom and I will help out wherever possible, but with the economic climate and everything else that's going on, I worry all the same.

My greatest fear in life is that the people around me who I love will suffer. I worry about my own situation sometimes, but in a way that's probably more realistic. The thought of anyone that I love hurt or cold or hungry or, god forbid, homeless can reduce me to tears in remarkably short order. I worry about these things for myself, but they don't affect me as much as the thought of it happening to someone I care about. The very thought brings me to my knees, and I would sooner suffer cold or hunger myself if it meant allowing someone who I love to have a bit more of what they needed.

The fact that we're in tough times only reminds me a lot of these things. I hear all the stories about people who can't afford their homes, and can't afford food, and are just trying to get by, and I transpose it onto the people that I know. I see signs at the church about the dinner the food bank is hosting tomorrow. I feel even worse when I look at the gifts under the tree and know that not only are there people with no gifts, but those with no warmth, or food, or even homes tonight, and it breaks my heart open even more.

But sweetie and I were talking tonight, and he told me that he'd found out that a friend from high school, who's only a year younger than he is, had died of a heart attack. He left behind his wife of only four months who is also six weeks pregnant. And, while he wishes that it didn't happen this way, he assures me that the who thing has really put the whole situation into perspective a bit more.

And so, rather than focusing just on those important things that need work, I'm also trying to remember the good and all that I'm grateful for. As I said earlier, this time of year really isn't about the gifts, or even about the food or the travel or anything like that. It's about home and friends and family and good company and hospitality. And it's about values - love, friendship, caring, sharing, warmth, valuing what we have, and celebrating as we come back into season of light. And so these are the things that I'm thinking about as I try to find my self-forgiveness from earlier and a way to get past only allowing in the worry that's taken hold of me, both for my sweetie and, more broadly, for the world. And so...

I'm grateful that I have friends and family and a wonderful sweetie who love me, support me, and care for me.

I'm grateful that I'm healthy, and that I have the means to help keep myself that way.

I'm grateful that I have a comfortable apartment to head home to, with food in the pantry, warm blankets on the bed, and tools and objects that serve me well.

I'm grateful that I have money in my wallet and in my bank account. I'm also grateful that I was able to let go a bit of my need to hold onto it and put some in the collection plate at church tonight, something I'm not always so good at.

I'm grateful to have a job that I love and the support that I need to do it well.

I'm grateful that I have a safety net if I need it.

I'm grateful that I'm aware of issues in the world, and that I have the capacity to do something about them.

I'm grateful that I have so much love in my life, but even more that I have love for life, and that I still feel that there's room for change, and growth, and making our way into something new and hopefully better than what we have now.

Happy holidays to everyone out there, and I truly hope that you have at least some things in your life to be grateful for as well as hope that things that aren't so good will somehow get better.

Pacem in Terris.