The Christmas gift that wasn't

I've been thinking about this post for awhile, and wondering how it reflects on my, and whether I should post it or not. But, I'm a pretty honest person, and I think I can put my failures out there too, so here goes.

When mom originally asked what I wanted for Christmas this year, I told her a grain mill. I even told her which one - the Lehman's Best grain mill, for those of you who are interested. She looked it up and emailed me a few days later, telling me that she'd looked at it, but was concerned because it was a bit expensive, and with shipping and the conversion and taxes and any duty it would use up the bulk of their budget for me. And, she pointed out, since it was backordered, I might not even have anything under the tree at all. So, I called her with the goal of explaining why I wanted it and that that was okay, and we talked. And she expressed concern - rather a lot of concern, actually - that I wouldn't have as many gifts under the tree as anyone else. Now, this isn't really a huge deal - last year they bought me the expensive running shoes favoured by my bum ankle, which was the bulk of my gift, and we have a general tradition of a larger gift and then a few smaller ones - but she was concerned. And, I have to admit, the more she talked about it, the more I didn't feel so great about the prospect either.

So, I sent her a list of books that I wanted. Some useful for peak oil and sustainability, some that I just wnated to read and that were on my wishlist. I love books, and I think they're great to have around, especially for a low-energy lifestyle.
I tossed in suggestions for a capo and guitar book so I can work on those skills and hopefully improve enough that it can be a viable form of entertainment.

But, I came home the other day, and found that I have a significantly larger pile of gifts than anyone else (which mom actually pointed out to me), which is kind of odd, given how she was talking. Apparently mom and dad wanted some more expensive things, and so have less packages (well, more expensive for us, which is pretty much the difference between a sweater and a book). Heck, my brother couldn't even think of anything he wanted, and he's getting a cheque from them and a single gift. So, really, I'm not sure why my grain mill as one big gift request was such a big deal. So, now I have a bigger pile of gifts, and the fun (that would be a sarcastic fun, for those of you following along at home) of opening gifts for awhile after everyone else has finished, which is always rather embarassing and a not-good feeling, at least for me.

Now, I don't want to blame this all on my mom, since I was caught up in the whole gift thing probably more than I would really like to admit. I can't say that having as many presents as everyone else wasn't appealing, and if I'm honest, I suspect that I didn't want to be the only one sitting there with one gift while everyone else was working their way through a pile. But I feel like such a sucker now, and every time I see that pile of gifts I feel really bad about it. Even though they're all things that I've wanted to read and would like to have on hand, I keep thinking that I could have just used the library for them. And they're more things that I'll have to move eventually. And I could have asked for a grain mill instead. I still plan to buy one as a way to take care of myself and, if need be, of them too, but even though it's not the end of the world I just feel so foolish and suckered in and...well...kind of dirty about the whole thing. I don't want to be a person who gets caught up in things like this, especially when I was really starting to feel like I wasn't.

(And, really, don't get me started about the fact that I could have just asked for a donation to be made to Heifer International or any other charity. That just leaves me feeling even worse, and I'm about to make another donation in lieu of what I should have done in the first place.)

So, what's the moral of the story here? I guess for me it's at least partly to remember that this isn't about the gifts - getting caught up in the commercialism isn't useful and seriously pulls me away from where and who I want to be. And perhaps even more importantly, it's okay to be my usual different self, and to approach something like this in a different way than people expect or even want from me. And yeah, that's kind of hard when it's my mom who seems to want something different than what I do, and expresses in terms of concern for me (which is admittedly sweet, in a way). But apparently I need to work even harder at avoiding these traps and sticking to my guns about my needs and desires in all of this.

And so, tonight I'm going to try to find myself a bit of self-forgiveness and accept that I made a bit of a mistake which I'm feeling arther acutely right now. And tomorrow I'm going to get up and open my gifts. And I'm going to be grateful for them and for the people who cared enough to give me those gifts (and yes, love isn't about gifts, but the can still be rather thoughtful), and I'm going to enjoy them, and think about how they can be useful to this project that I'm on, even if it's not as immediately apparent as I might like. Later I'm going to order myself a grain mill and work harder at my own project and the things that I need to do for myself. And then, in just under a year, I'm going to try to remember these lessons and be more careful around Christmas so as to not fall into the same trap. I can certainly learn my lesson here, it's just feeling like a bit of a bitter pill to swallow right now, especially in the face of Christmas and all it's supposed to represent.

Edited to add: It's after Christmas morning here (my folks still wake us up a bit early for the whole gift thing), and I'm feeling better about the whole thing. I got some nice gifts, nothing too extravagant and, it turns out that mom was pushing so hard against the grain mill because they already had a few things for me. And, while I suppose I could have pushed harder, either for a mill or for some more donations, it probably wasn't happening so much anyway. But, I got a bit of money from the grandparents, and that will probably go towards a mill.